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Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
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9:35 pm
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I did it...I actually fucking did it. We were discussing the theory behind "No Day But Today" after seeing RENT the night we went out to see it. And I decided to...adhere to that philosophy. I looked at the dude I've been crushing on, said "No day but today right?" And he said "yep" and I grabbed him and kissed him. The shocking part was that he kissed me back. Yep, the supposed straight boy that I work with kissed me right back. I am not sure if I'm more happy or more in shock! I'm just wondering how things will be the next time we see each other. When we broke the kiss (it was a kiss goodbye) he smiled at me and said "I'll see you later"...Wow...just...wow. Could this be what I've been waiting for?
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| Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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2:25 pm
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Birthday in 3 days....
Maybe a new job? Not necessarily a good thing...cause it means I'm gonna have to search for one. Problems with the current/old one. Which sucks. Majorly.
Went out last night with friends from work...birthday kinda thing. Got drunk, though I wasn't the worst off out of all of us. I got a lot of kisses...unfortunately more from girls than guys, except I did get kisses from the three guys we were with, and only two of them are gay. And I ended up making out with this chick I work with, while her girlfriend watched...yeah, that's how you can tell Cameron's drunk...when he doesn't care who he's making out with. Or is it just a sign of desperation?
Should I or shouldn't I...will I or won't I? Well, I probably shouldn't have...but who gives a shit? I did anyway...and I might again!
Weddings...I always end up crying or at least almost crying. But not cause of the reasons little old ladies do or whatever...but because I want that. Not necessarily the ceremony...but that kind of love. Watching my friends up there exchanging vows, you could just see the love between the two of them. I want it. I was asked at the reception if I'd ever want something like that...ironically enough the person I've been crushing on and developing feelings for over about the past year asked me that. I told him yeah, and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted it or not...I think he was talking about the wedding stuff in general. Maybe he should have been having that convo with his girlfriend. The last time I said something about her...he had asked me if I'd be his "keeper" and I said "maybe your girlfriend should be" I think I sounded a little more bitter than was healthy...oops
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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2:28 am
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| Sunday, September 11th, 2005
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6:35 pm
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Wow...so I'm back from the camping with the friends and stuff. We had...a decent time. We did get rained out the last day...but it was cool, we just waited out the rain, ate, then packed up and left that night. But even though it is something I look forward to every year, the trip wasn't at all the best part of the week.
I obviously know what's going on and the background story to everything, but in case anyone reads this, I'll give a little background.
I have this friend...we've been friends for a little over a year or so. He's cute, and really smart. Half of my friends pick on him for being a dipshit who makes nonsensical comments...and that is part of who he is...but generally it's just an act. If they sat and had some of the talks that he and I have had...they'd change their opinion of him. Anyway. He's also a...I guess you'd call him a cuddly person. Whenever we all just chill and watch movies, he usually ends up laying across myself and one of our other friends. Usually, his back and head end up against my chest, and for lack of a better place to put it, I put my arm around him (yeah, right..lack of a better place my ass ^_^ ) . At any rate...it's basically just because he's a physical person. He dates girls, has said he's straight, etc...so it means nothing basically. Anyway. When it's just he and I hanging out, it's kind of the same thing, if we watch a movie, I end up cuddling him. Now he's the sticky part. I developed quite the nice little feelings for him over the past year. I told two of my friends and they tried to convince me to tell him, if only to get it off of my chest so I didn't go crazy...but of course, being as shy as I am around guys that I like or find attractive, I didn't say anything...He started working with me for a little while, and even people we worked with said to talk to him about it. I was a little too worried to lost the kind of relationship we have now...But anyway...fastforward 6 months later.
The night before we left to go camping, everyone hung out here for a little while. He stayed here to sleep on the couch when everyone left and my roommate went to bed. We ended up outside, talking about a lot of things, basically anything and everything. A lot of the things he told me, they sounded a lot like myself when I was going through the phase of "discovering" who I was, if you know what I mean. He told me that he goes into relationships with these girls...not liking them, but hoping that he can grow to like them. And he even at one point told me "Sometimes I sit and wonder if maybe I'm not supposed to end up with a guy, even though I'm straight". Sounds a little...off huh? So anyway, we went back inside from being outside all that time and he and I watched a movie alone, during which time, I cuddled him as usual. When the movie was over, we ended up getting ready for bed and when all the lights were out, I went to the living room, took a deep breath, and in the dark, told him basically "I like you"...at which point he replied "I know". We then discussed that he basically had known and was waiting for me to tell him the whole time. He didn't get upset or get weird or anything like that, which was way cool...instead we ended up talking more. And while we talked...he actually pulled me against him, and cuddled me in his arms, and we ended up holding hands, which are two things that hasn't happened before. And then he said that he thinks he's in the position I was, trying to figure things out and stuff. Then he asked if I would give him time to figure things out, but in the meantime, he'd like to keep things open to the fact that there is a possibility that we could possibly have a future as more than friends. I was totally blown away! So not what I expected...
So now, I'm actually in a better mood than I've been in for a long time. While things look a little optimistic, I'm also not going to hold my breath...
current mood:  hopeful
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| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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5:17 am
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Ok, two updates in one night. I think that's a record for me.
Anyway. My roommate and I finally had the confrontation that I knew was bubbling up and bound to happen soon. See, three years ago, I moved here. I wanted a change of pace, I wanted to get away from family...and I had a friend here. Even though we had originally met on the internet a couple years before I moved here, he was basically my best friend. He came out to visit my family and I on a couple of occasions, giving us even more of a chance to get to know each other. He also had a little bit of a crush on me...but it was at the point where he was too much of a best friend for me to be able to look at him that way. So, I moved about 1200 miles, from Massachusetts, to Illinois, with him and my kitten in the UHaul truck. We got an apartment out here for about a year, then he moved back in with his mother, at which point I started staying with a friend. I eventually found the house that I'm living in now, and then he ended up coming to live with me again. So we're at present now.
Over the course of the last three years, my roomate, myself and a friend that actually only lives three houses down from us now have been the best of friends...totally inseperable. We were even often referred to as "The Trio" a Buffy reference, and short for "The Trio of Evil". You never saw one without the other two. And that was it. It was the three of us, and we were happy that way. True we didn't have a lot of friends, but we were close, so that more than made up for it. Then about a year ago, our trio suddenly expanded to include 2 more people...one of them graduated with our female friend, so that's how he was introduced. He and his girlfriend moved back here after finishing school, and then shortly after, we had two more. Now, with 7 of us...we have a pretty diverse group. Throw in the 8th that we occasionally hang out with, and that's much more than the three we started at. Ok...so now, all 5 of these newer people...I met through my two "best friends". Have you ever had people added to your group or clique of friends, and you just don't feel like your friends? That's how it is with these other people. When we're all around, it just feels like conversation is forced and they try too hard to include me...it feels like while I'm close to the other two, the rest are just acquaintances through them. Which ok...I could deal with. But lately, I feel like I have no friends at all. They've all gotten really into playing the Yu-Gi-Oh card game (gag!) which I'm really not into. But hey, it's there thing, so whatever. But come on. Whenever I have a day off from work that coincide with their free time, they all want to come here and sit in my livingroom, take over my television, put on a Cardinal's baseball game, and spread their cardgames everywhere! So of course I just kind of try to amuse myself on the computer or something. But then when I have to work...they get together and do fun shit...What irritates me the most about that is they always end up going to see a new flick I wanna see...or go do something I wanted to do the last time we hung out, but no one wanted to. It feels as if they're trying to exclude me. So now, we've been planning this camping trip for what seems like forever. It could seem like that just because it's kind of a yearly thing we've been doing, which is cool. But I'm not so excited about it this year...because it makes me wonder how much fun I'm going to have being ignored in the woods. Apparently some plans had changed, and my roommate was making me aware of the changes, and when I didn't say anything about them, he asked if I had any input...and that's when it all came out. I basically tweaked on him, asking why my input would matter now when it never does anyway and such...I told him everything. Including the fact that I was considering just taking off and going...since it didn't seem like anyone would care anyway...
That, coupled with the fact that it's been...lets see.... 2 and a half years now since my last relationship. I'm starting to feel really lonely and unwanted. And it's not even a matter of sex...I'm actually a huge cuddlewhore! I love to cuddle and kiss...that's the best part of a relationship with someone if you ask me.
Wow...I sound like a huge whiney bitch...I'm really not, I swear!
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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8:48 pm
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Ok, so here I am, late on a Monday night and creating an online journal. I used to have one a while back...then I just stopped writing in it. The brand new-ness of this journal is the reason for it looking so sparse and bare...also known as shitty and not even remotely clue looking. Well, that's one reason...the other is that I know NOTHING about html and stuff to make it all look cool.
SO IF ANYONE OUT THERE CAN AND WOULD LIKE TO HELP ME WITH SOME KIND OF LAYOUT...I'D LOVE YOU FOREVER!
Anyway, I guess something about me should be in this first post, right?
I'm your average guy really. I have hopes and aspirations, and a sucky job that barely supports the money I need for the things I need and want. I enjoy chatting with friends, as well as making new friends, online and in real life. I'm always up for a good movie, or even some video game playing if the mood hits me. I work in a restaurant, so basically I'm always around people. I do a little of everything there, kind of a jack of all trades situations...I do what they need me to do. They call it management training or some bullshit like that.
The journal name...Yes...fae as in faerie (fairy). One I love faeries and I collect them. I have a nice collection going of figurines and things that I've amassed on my own as well as things that were gifts as friends. Part of my collection does center around Tinkerbell. I know, she's a pixie, not a faerie...but close enough, I love her anyway. If she were real...I'd totally do her. Wow that sounded weird. Fae also alludes to the fact that I'm a fairy too. Yep, that's right folks. I'm gay, homosexual, a fairy, a fudgepacker, "one of those" people. In short...I kiss boys, I adore boys, I fall in love with boys. That's me, it's part of who I am, and if anyone doesn't like it...they can walk away. My family is cool with it, my friends are cool with it, even my coworkers know and they are cool with it. And yet...I am still not in a relationship with anyone. Sigh...oh well, he's out there somewhere right? But I do want to know..with all the people that are constantly around me...why do I feel constantly alone?
Anyway. That's a little insight to me. Not much, I know, but I have to keep you coming back for more right? Right. Feel free to add me as a friend if you want to (if anyone even reads this) And if anyone has any ideas or wants to help with any kind of layout kind of thing, please feel free to let me know!
current mood:  bored
current music: Something on the tv as background noise
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